ARMY-NAVY PLUS Motherhood = SURvival

Dear Martha,

Are you a professional advice columnist? I'm just wondering because you handed me a card in the bank line the other day and I didn't know exactly what it was for until I checked your blog. Do you just go around handing out your card each day or did you pick me for some reason? Since I read it, I figured it would be fun to be the second person to appear on your blog.
My question is this:


I'm going to be a mother for the second time and we found out a month ago that it's going to be another boy. I have tons of boy stuff but my friends at work want to throw me a baby shower. I didn't know you could have another shower unless your next baby was of the opposite sex. Do you have any etiquette expertise? Also, other than diapers and wipes and diaper rash cream I don't know what to register for.
Sincerely,
Inadequate Knowledge of Etiquette

Dear Inadequate:
Mental Note to Self - Include "Limit 3 questions per entry" on business card.
Just messin’ with you!

I'm going to help you out as best I can and answer all of your questions. First of all, I am not a professional advice columnist. I’m an "opinionist extraordinaire". That means I can’t keep my mouth shut when some one asks me a question or I’ll explode. But I do my best to be nice while delivering honesty.

Secondly, I do go around handing my card out each day. I accidentally got 250 cards printed with my title misspelled. So I’m trying to get rid of them as quickly as possible so my husband won’t wonder why I bought more.

Now it’s on to your real question. I have no expertise in etiquette but whoever decided what the rules of etiquette must have dubbed themselves the experts and everyone else who didn’t have time to come up with it just said “That sounds good enough.” I spend a significant amount of time trying to figure out how to make everyone happy with birthday parties, play dates and other various social situations. I’ll tell you now that it’s impossible to do it all. So I think the etiquette on baby showers should be that, if someone offers you a shower, you take it, regardless of how many children you have and their sex. You don’t complain about the games they make you play and you don’t act like they shouldn’t have. If you’re on your second or more kid of the same gender and you are in need of a baby shower because you didn’t save a damned thing, then just be straight with someone you trust and who knows how to act like it was their idea.

On to the baby registry: I’m glad you asked this question because I actually want to know if there’s anyone out there who feels more prepared the second baby around (If you have multiples, then we’re talking about the second birth around). There’s a special place that I think should begin to offer a baby gift registry for parents who know have an idea of why they are doing this time. I call it the ARMY-NAVY SURPLUS store. If you’ve saved all your baby clothes and you still have half full bottles of shampoo, lotion and butt-cream, then it’s time to stock up on the things you’ll really need to survive this time. It won’t take much, but the ARMY-NAVY SURPLUS is where you’ll find it all in one stop.

Item #1 – A Sleeping Bag
If there’s one thing to help you get through the feedings every two hours it’s a sleeping bag. You’re going to need a heavy duty one to stay comfy on the floor. Especially if you want to avoid stumbling through your house smacking into doorjambs and wishing evil revenge on your significant other who managed to sleep through the hysterical cry of your hungry baby.

Item #2 – A Canteen
Once you get this keep it full at all times. Breastfeeding mothers may appreciate it more because it never fails once you sit down to feed your baby and your mouth suddenly feels like the Sahara. Good luck detaching your child to grab a glass of water after the fact. A detached baby cry can be deafening.

Item #3 – Infrared Goggles
This might seem ridiculous but it’s no joke. No matter how low the wattage of the light bulb I bought for my baby’s cute little bunny lamp, it could not be low enough to keep him from waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 3 in the morning. I’d just like to be able to pluck my child from his crib without poking him in the eye, but I also don’t want to wake him up and go back to try going to sleep again at 6 am when my 4 year old wakes up.

Item #4 – Walkie Talkies
If you have more than one level on your house this is the way to communicate when you have a little tyke. Part of my exhaustion in the first two to three months was forgetting something downstairs when up and upstairs when down. And to top it off my husband was nowhere in earshot so I found myself either screaming through the house or carrying a half naked baby up the stairs to get a diaper and praying he didn’t have to pee just at that moment. Not a physically exhausting task but mentally I started to lose my mind. Make sure you keep these low enough so it doesn’t backfire and you wake up your dozing baby. (Use of these could eliminate the canteen if you can contact someone for a glass of water.)

Item #5 - Swiss Army Knife
The great thing about the Swiss army knife is that it’s got everything you need to prepare you for round two. You’ve got scissors to cut all the little tags off your kids new clothes. You’ve got the little nail clippers to clip those little razor blades that don’t ever stop growing back and grabbing at your face. You’ll need the screwdriver because every battery operated toy your kid got for Christmas never fails to need a Phillips. And just to add bonus to this necessity, some offer a toothpick because, let’s all be honest, once you have kids you forget to brush your teeth more than you’ll admit. Take a moment while you're pacing with your drowsy child to take care of yourself. For the protection of you and your baby don’t forget to fold your knife away safely after each use.

These are just the basics, “Inadequate.” I hope they can guide you in some way for your second baby shower registry. If you’re too embarrassed to ask for these things go buy them yourself. And then when it comes to your baby shower, find comfort knowing you will never run out of diapers or wipes and enjoy your lifetime supply of butt-cream.

Signed,
Martha Y. Fish